Everybody think they are special because they have experiences that most people don't have that makes them stand out from everyone.
Can you say that I am special because I have experiences in my life that makes me different from you?
I have news for you. It is not true. My philosophy is G-d don't give you problems if you can't handle it. I KNOW you guys can't handle my problem because G-d choose me to handle this kind of problem. He KNOW I can handle this.
(Let me say a very bold statement, if you have a problem and you can't handle it i.e. by making suicide, then it is your fault not G-d.)
Therefore I can't handle your problem. We are not so different as you like to think so.
People likes to make analogy/moral stories to teach other people. Even other people's problem is so different from us, but we could learn from them by apply their methods on our problems.
Watch this video: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=139007432797147&ref=mf
Most of us don't run like he do, but we could learn from him.....
I got two comments from 'hearing' people that they agreed with me that my stories are not only for deaf people but they could learn from me or other deaf people to apply to your problem. Read these comments:
tzvista said...
Thank you for very insightful comments. We in the "hearing" community have a lot to learn from you in order to be more sensitive. You are correct in a broader sense too. Most people regardless of the "community" they are in, tend to hurt others due to their own issues and struggles, and not because of the other persons faults and flaws. We would all do well to understand that.
Tzafra said...
I am B"H completely hearing. Group dynamics take learning for a lot of people. Especially in new places or new groups, I know I've had many times where I had to analyze and consciously learn the group dynamic instead of effortlessly picking it up.
Now little new twist on this post: You are going to learn how not to judge other people. I will make a small analogy before I will introduce a young man.
All of you didn't make allyah (move to Israel for religious reasons) , why didn't you make allyah? Is it because your family was near you? Your friends? Too comfortable? Language barrier? More money? Better medical attention? Better food? (I am not talking about physical problem that you really CAN'T move to Israel)
Look, don't worry I didn't make allyah too! I am too comfortable here....
Let us meet this special young man who happened to be my college mentor. He guided me through my college years and after that. I was always be grateful to him in rest of my life.
He is 25 years old. He is in graduate school for materials and science (whatever that means). Basically he wants to be engineer. In my opinion he is genius. He could talks in science terms that nobody understand him except other science people. Yes you could say he is nerd but he is damn proud of it. Also I am very proud of him what he already accomplished and his future goals.
Why am I proud of him?
He is deaf.
He didn't let his deafness to block of what he could accomplish in his life.
He had a bad childhood that people makes fun of him and he tried to communicate with certain kinds of deaf community but sadly they knocked him out because he is oral (meaning he speaks). Now he is in a graduate program that makes other hearing people in shame. He could prove to people that deafness didn't stop him to achieve what he wants from his life.
His deafness is very different than mine. He was born with very little hearing in his ears. They thought he was autistic when he was a kid but his parents refused to believed that. (That's happen to me, thank to my mom's stubbornness to find out what's wrong with me) They finally found out that he had a bad hearing loss. Now he is wearing hearing aids. (Remember there is a difference between cochlear implant and hearing aids, hearing aids amplify sounds whatever you have left in your ears. Cochlear Implant don't do that so usually people with profound deafness would go for CI) But here is little shocking part: He could get cochlear implant but choose not to get it. STOP! Don't make an opinion yet. First you have to read my personal interview with him.
me: Now you are wearing hearing aids, but you could have cochlear implant correct?
A: right
me: How come you won't do it?
A: I feel that hearing aid technology continually improves and while cochlear implants do as well. You're stuck with the technology that you have surgically installed inside you and there are always better things coming out. I'm not comfortable having something surgically installed and then realize that a few years later I could have had something better.
me: Do you consider yourself as deaf?
A: I tell everyone I'm deaf, its simple, easier to say than "hard of hearing" or "hearing impaired" but not capital D deaf. I was raised oral and i have an oral family. None of whom are deaf or hard of hearing. I try not to be so formal about how i consider myself. I just have a hearing loss. That's something I share with everyone else who has one, Deaf or not.
me: You may heard many arguments that you should have cochlear implants now because it is a good start to hear something since you don't hear well now.... How you would respond to that?
A: I would say if my parents wanted me to have a cochlear implant, they would have gotten me one and i trust their reasoning not to. I know that its my decision
me: What is their reason? oh because they want you to have your own decision
A: Maybe but to me it doesn't really matter but knowing the technology that's out and how much potential it can have. I would consider giving my deaf child a cochlear implant but only "consider" not definitely do it. Its good to keep options open.
me: Are you uncomfortable to discuss that with your parents? Like why they didn't give you cochlear implants?
A: Well mainly because they didn't know about it. When they found out they probably thought I was too old for it. I never really discussed it with them but I have no regrets so I really don't feel the need to.
me: Is it possible that maybe you are too comfortable with your lifestyle that delayed your getting cochlear implant?
A: yeah I would say that. I'm not saying change is a bad thing. But there's the old saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and I feel like I'm doing just fine with my hearing aids. Would a CI be better, I don't doubt it, but its very difficult to adjust to.
me: What kind of moment that you are looking for that you know that you will get cochlear implant in that spot?
A: I honestly don't know. I've seen people who have it and say its awesome and it makes a huge difference but I'm not completely blown away by it.
me: How come?
A: Because its still imperfect especially for something that has to be surgically installed. Don't get me wrong the technology is amazing and its helped a lot of people. But as an engineer I know that the technology is improving rapidly
me: You say cochlear implant would make you hear better but still imperfect. Therefore you are saying cochlear implant is not good survival tools? your hearing device is good enough?
A: I'm saying you'd have a much better chance of surviving on the road with a CI than without one so no my hearing device is never good enough either. But what choice do I have, really I do need it to be alert
but if I had to choose something imperfect that was or wasn't surgically installed, I'd choose the one that isn't surgically installed
me: Do you realize it is not that dangerous?
A: What is the surgery?
me: yes
Ari: of course its not the surgery itself I have the problem with. Its the fact that its stuck in your body
I'm not comfortable with that
me: I know someone have cochlear implant for 20 years and suddenly it shuts down so she had a new cochlear implant from nucleus 22 to 24. Your cochlear implant won't be stuck forever. You always could get better cochlear implant only if you have a problem with it.
A: True, but there's still something in there that doesn't feel natural.
me: okay
A: I'm sure you'd have to go through the surgery all over again. Keep in mind there's always an inherent risk in surgery. The more you have it the higher the risk.
me: Is any message do you like to give to audience?
A: Simply that you have a choice. Make it wisely and don't rely on other people's opinions. This is your body, and your life, you decide what's best for you. The CI is an amazing piece of technology and I would recommend it to anyone who considers it, but don't let other people tell you what to do.
me: But there is a small problem in your philosophy.
A: Oh? what is it?
me: You are scared to do it even though you know CI would help you. People will not happy when you said it.
A: Oh well
me: Are you okay with that?
A: hmm It does make me a bit uncomfortable but well... its a good point that I'm scared to do it but I don't want to feel ashamed either that's worse than being scared.
me: People might say that you are coward. how you would respond to it?
A: I would say that they have no right to judge me, really, because I don't judge you for the choices you make.
(End of interview)
BINGO! His last sentence was perfect for this blog. We can't always judge people but we could try to understand what people make certain decision in their lives. You remember the analogy about allayah? Moving to Israel = getting new cochlear implant...... Very painful.
You can't compare between me and him. He was one year older than me. Cochlear Implant was made by 1984. It wasn't very well known to deaf people until early 1990's like him. His parents found out when he was seven years old so that's why they thought he was too old for it. (That time, hardly older people did cochlear implant surgeries, but now plenty older people did it...). I was lucky because when my parents find out that I was deaf, my neighbor was an audiologist and heard about cochlear implant. She told my parents about it. My parents acted very quickly because I was 2 years old that time. Therefore I didn't have a choice to have cochlear implant or not.
I can't judge him because I didn't go through his situation. I can't honestly to say to him that you have to get cochlear implant soon as possible because it is very scary to do that! Like what I say about allayah, I would be terrified but thank G-d I was too young to understand what was going on around me when I went through the cochlear implant surgery.
What do we learn about this blog?
Nobody is different but yet very different but we are allowed to learn and try to understand other people to make improvement in our lives. We can't judge other people unless you are in his/her shoes.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Daily stuggles of a my life as a person with CI
Everybody have a good and bad day.
When you wake up in the morning and everything just make sense. You were on the time for your job. Everybody smiles at you as you walked by. Your best friend gave you a free coffee. That is an average good day for most people.
When you wake up in the morning and everything goes wrong. You woke up late. Your boss was very angry at you. Your co-workers sneered at you. You just found out that you owe Con-Edison 100 dollars more than usual. That is an average bad day for most people.
For me, I have very different good and bad day than most people. Sure I experienced these average good and bad days. However I also experienced different kinds of good and bad days. I have a good and bad HEARING day.
I just can't explain why I have good and bad HEARING day. What makes one day that everyone spoke clearly to me that day, what other days people don't? Or mixed? I could have a great day with bad HEARING day or vice versa.
Another struggle:
Everyone loves to be center of attention. Why? Because people looked at a person and admired/disgusted by that person. It shows that person have a life and people regonized him/her. That's one of the reasons why people committed sucide because they think nobody cares about them.
If you know me, I have a spilt personality (don't take that term literally). In group setting, some days I was quiet and observing people around me. It looked like I was withdrawn and uninteresting of topic among groups. Therefore people was awkward around me or ignored me.
In other side of personality, I am a loud person. I constantly talking to people in group setting. I kept moving and talking to one person to another person. That is my favorite time of group setting of course. Because everybody looked at me and treated me like I am goddess.
A hearing person would read that sentence "Because everybody looked at me and treated me like I am goddess" would judged me and said, "Wow, she needs that feeling to be center of attention, that sounds like she was insecure"
You (hearing people) kept forgetting that I am DEAF. I had no idea what people talking about in group setting so I got bored.....
Five years ago my very wise counselor from my seminary told me a very important advice. She said, "Eventhough you have no idea what they are talking about, just throw a topic and you will be surprised that people will drop their topic and will respond to you very quickly" She was right. I never understood a group dynamic and never will be unless my hearing will improve. But if someone explained to me a small lesson about group dynamic in very logical sense, it will improve my social skills in group setting. Let me tell you, Rome don't built in one day. It takes me couple years to improve my skills. Even today, I still made mistakes. It was a trial and error for me everyday.
You may wondering why I talked about two different struggles of my life as a deaf person in one post. The answer was they both overlapped of each other.
Let me tell you couple stories:
Last Thursday, I was in a car with lovely older couple to Montreal. I could not understand a word from a man but I understand very well from a woman with face to face. Therefore I only have conversation with woman not man. No, you can't say woman spoke clearly than man. I also have couple experiences that I only talked to man not woman. It all depends on how clearly they spoke and their accent not pitch. Therefore that day I had mixed good and bad hearing days.
Later on Thursday, I went to restaurant with four girls. We were so wild. Why? Because that restaurant was so noisy and I had no idea what they are talking about. Therefore I blurted a lot of werid things to get their attention therefore these four girls looked at me and talking to me DIRECTLY. I felt more included in group setting. I don't like to kept saying "What? What are you saying?" Eventhough I said a load of times but after in a while, I was scared they get sick of repeating stories for me so I created myself into very loud person so they don't need to repeat their stories to me again because they are looking at me. As you see, I am not insecure just want to understand what they are saying. Everybody wants to be feel included but I need an extra help. If nobody is helping me, then I help myself.....
On Friday night, I and other hearing three girls went to someone's house in Montreal and these family were very stiff and only spoke French. They are not so welcoming to help us to be include in their conversation. Other three girls and I was feeling left out. We were so bored. I can't help but thinking, "Wow, these hearing girls are experiencing what I am dealing with everyday" I am only one who know how to create situation to be center of attention. Do you know what I did? I starting to make random conversations. The host offered a drink to me, I said with very strong voice, "SURE!" Everybody cracked up. I was storming with ideas in my head in that moment. I noticed these people were very materialistic and their idea of fun was drinking..... Therefore I kept making the host to pour a drink for me. Suddenly everybody spoke English to me and other three girls. I got up from the table and started to walk around the table because I was getting little tipsy so in order to think clearly by walking around. People thought I am very loud person so they starting to shred their stiffness and trying to include me in their conversation. I never had so much fun in that table in my entire life. As you see I took my wise counselor's advice in that situation and many other situations.
In a different time, I was dating my husband in that time. I and my husband went to my friend's for a lunch. There was 12 people on the table. Some reasons, I was so quiet in that time.
I don't know why, each time I was quiet I may get the feeling that I can't jump in the conversation. Why? Depends on situation, I may felt like I will look like I was rude and sound like I am insecure to get attention from these people or I wasn't in mood to make effort to be loud person. I don't know why in certain days I was quiet and other times, I was loud it was depends on my moods LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. I apologized to my husband that I was very quiet because he only saw me as a loud person until now. He said, "You just don't want be a rude and be center of attention but you could just drop any random topic in the conversation, that's what everybody doing..." I had a flashback memory what my counselor said. It was very creepy...
Yes I experienced bad and good days PLUS good and bad hearing days in individual and group setting. After all the work I put into effort to be include in social setting and understand people in individually made me very tired in end of my day. Everyday I need nine hours of sleep to be fully functional person, if I don't then my moods will be roller coater on that days.
Please pardon me if you caught me being very tired or very quiet.
When you wake up in the morning and everything just make sense. You were on the time for your job. Everybody smiles at you as you walked by. Your best friend gave you a free coffee. That is an average good day for most people.
When you wake up in the morning and everything goes wrong. You woke up late. Your boss was very angry at you. Your co-workers sneered at you. You just found out that you owe Con-Edison 100 dollars more than usual. That is an average bad day for most people.
For me, I have very different good and bad day than most people. Sure I experienced these average good and bad days. However I also experienced different kinds of good and bad days. I have a good and bad HEARING day.
I just can't explain why I have good and bad HEARING day. What makes one day that everyone spoke clearly to me that day, what other days people don't? Or mixed? I could have a great day with bad HEARING day or vice versa.
Another struggle:
Everyone loves to be center of attention. Why? Because people looked at a person and admired/disgusted by that person. It shows that person have a life and people regonized him/her. That's one of the reasons why people committed sucide because they think nobody cares about them.
If you know me, I have a spilt personality (don't take that term literally). In group setting, some days I was quiet and observing people around me. It looked like I was withdrawn and uninteresting of topic among groups. Therefore people was awkward around me or ignored me.
In other side of personality, I am a loud person. I constantly talking to people in group setting. I kept moving and talking to one person to another person. That is my favorite time of group setting of course. Because everybody looked at me and treated me like I am goddess.
A hearing person would read that sentence "Because everybody looked at me and treated me like I am goddess" would judged me and said, "Wow, she needs that feeling to be center of attention, that sounds like she was insecure"
You (hearing people) kept forgetting that I am DEAF. I had no idea what people talking about in group setting so I got bored.....
Five years ago my very wise counselor from my seminary told me a very important advice. She said, "Eventhough you have no idea what they are talking about, just throw a topic and you will be surprised that people will drop their topic and will respond to you very quickly" She was right. I never understood a group dynamic and never will be unless my hearing will improve. But if someone explained to me a small lesson about group dynamic in very logical sense, it will improve my social skills in group setting. Let me tell you, Rome don't built in one day. It takes me couple years to improve my skills. Even today, I still made mistakes. It was a trial and error for me everyday.
You may wondering why I talked about two different struggles of my life as a deaf person in one post. The answer was they both overlapped of each other.
Let me tell you couple stories:
Last Thursday, I was in a car with lovely older couple to Montreal. I could not understand a word from a man but I understand very well from a woman with face to face. Therefore I only have conversation with woman not man. No, you can't say woman spoke clearly than man. I also have couple experiences that I only talked to man not woman. It all depends on how clearly they spoke and their accent not pitch. Therefore that day I had mixed good and bad hearing days.
Later on Thursday, I went to restaurant with four girls. We were so wild. Why? Because that restaurant was so noisy and I had no idea what they are talking about. Therefore I blurted a lot of werid things to get their attention therefore these four girls looked at me and talking to me DIRECTLY. I felt more included in group setting. I don't like to kept saying "What? What are you saying?" Eventhough I said a load of times but after in a while, I was scared they get sick of repeating stories for me so I created myself into very loud person so they don't need to repeat their stories to me again because they are looking at me. As you see, I am not insecure just want to understand what they are saying. Everybody wants to be feel included but I need an extra help. If nobody is helping me, then I help myself.....
On Friday night, I and other hearing three girls went to someone's house in Montreal and these family were very stiff and only spoke French. They are not so welcoming to help us to be include in their conversation. Other three girls and I was feeling left out. We were so bored. I can't help but thinking, "Wow, these hearing girls are experiencing what I am dealing with everyday" I am only one who know how to create situation to be center of attention. Do you know what I did? I starting to make random conversations. The host offered a drink to me, I said with very strong voice, "SURE!" Everybody cracked up. I was storming with ideas in my head in that moment. I noticed these people were very materialistic and their idea of fun was drinking..... Therefore I kept making the host to pour a drink for me. Suddenly everybody spoke English to me and other three girls. I got up from the table and started to walk around the table because I was getting little tipsy so in order to think clearly by walking around. People thought I am very loud person so they starting to shred their stiffness and trying to include me in their conversation. I never had so much fun in that table in my entire life. As you see I took my wise counselor's advice in that situation and many other situations.
In a different time, I was dating my husband in that time. I and my husband went to my friend's for a lunch. There was 12 people on the table. Some reasons, I was so quiet in that time.
I don't know why, each time I was quiet I may get the feeling that I can't jump in the conversation. Why? Depends on situation, I may felt like I will look like I was rude and sound like I am insecure to get attention from these people or I wasn't in mood to make effort to be loud person. I don't know why in certain days I was quiet and other times, I was loud it was depends on my moods LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. I apologized to my husband that I was very quiet because he only saw me as a loud person until now. He said, "You just don't want be a rude and be center of attention but you could just drop any random topic in the conversation, that's what everybody doing..." I had a flashback memory what my counselor said. It was very creepy...
Yes I experienced bad and good days PLUS good and bad hearing days in individual and group setting. After all the work I put into effort to be include in social setting and understand people in individually made me very tired in end of my day. Everyday I need nine hours of sleep to be fully functional person, if I don't then my moods will be roller coater on that days.
Please pardon me if you caught me being very tired or very quiet.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Advices for Parents of Deaf Child(ren)
Today is my dearest father's birthday. He raised me for beautiful 24 years. I always wondered how the world he was able to raise me. I was not a easy child to deal with. I am not talking about how did he made me a good person. Without question about it, he did teach me values and how to treat other person with lots of kindness. I meant how he raised me as a deaf child. I wished no parents have to raise a deaf child(ren).
While he parents me like every other hearing child, he also taught me how to deal other people who could pulled me down because of my deafness. Even though he is hearing, he may don't know how I am going through in daily as a deaf person but he could try to imagine it. He tried so hard to build my self-esteem so high which is rare among PWD (people with disabilities). You know something, it does work! He is the one who taught me how to be stubborn and strong to fight the daily struggles of being deaf. That's why my title of this blog called Stubborn and Strong. As I was growing up, everytime I cried to my father that I could NOT do this because it was so hard to deal with this situation. He said, "You are (insert my last name), and (my last name) is STUBBORN, therefore you are STUBBORN (my last name)" My first reaction was I smiled then pretended that I am so sick to hear more encouragements from my father. Truth is I love when my father do that because he doesn't see me a deaf child but his child who happened to be deaf. He didn't denied that I am deaf/hard of hearing but my feeling was just like everybody else. He always listened whatever I cried to him, he lets me to yelled at him, he beared with my crazy moods. He just let me to be myself. He lets me to grow.
Every parents have a different philosophy and every parents asked my advices for their child. Truth is I could only tell you what my parents did to me and I am happy with it. But every deaf child is different. Maybe what my parents did to me might be a bad advice for their child.
I had a one bad experience with a parent who have a deaf child. I was in late teens and her child was in early teens. Therefore I and this child are a one generation apart. Anybody who are familiar with technology, every 2 or 3 years technology and experiences of cochlear implant (audiologist and speech therapist who dealt with children with CI) kept improving.
Let me explain myself before what this parent told me:
Cochlear Implant was made by 1984. I got cochlear implant surgery when I was 3 years old (1989). I am number 13th patient of my hospital who done cochlear implant surgeries. However my first two operations was unsuccessful because my magnet inside my head kept coming out (yes, it was very gruesome). Finally my third operation, they found that I had staph infection so they cleaned up and done this time right. Therefore I didn't hear anything until I was four years old. My language development was very delayed because of that. My first therapist believed that I should lipread and listen at a same time. I used her until I was fourth grade, I went to a different therapist who believed that I shouldn't lipread but only listen. Because of her, I was able to talk on phone. Both of my speech therapists worked so hard to make my speech comprehensible so they could prove other parents who have deaf child(ren) that it is possible to sound like other hearing people. There was a small problem. They didn't help me how to write. I didn't learn how to write until I was high school. To make the situation worse, my school never taught kids how to write. (I heard from my classmates complaining about that). My speech is so much better than my writing and I don't know why my brain could not make link between them. I have a mental block to learn how to write properly.
Two days ago, I asked my father about my grammars on this blog. He says, "I am so proud of you because three years ago I couldn't even understand what you wrote but now I do understand" He tried to explain the rules of grammar of English. Unfortunately, I was starting to put a wall in front of me. My father saw that and told me that he didn't want to teach me if this teaching could not go through me. He explained "I don't like to teach you this because it sounds like I am belittle of you"
I thought of what my father says. My father never say bad things about me in front of me only good things because he knows my personality. If someone criticized me because of my deafness, I started to pull a wall in front of me and don't want to work on it. However if someone praised me, it made me work harder to achieved perfection. By praising me takes much longer than criticized me to get better results, but the journey toward the results by praising is so much healthy than criticized me. I was more happy, and more confident to deal with the world. (If you take psychology class 101, positive reinforcement is much better than punishment to get better result)
This mother compared me and her child. She said her child spoke better than me. I was mortified and hurt to hear it. Look I know myself, I know I don't speak perfectly but you can't compared older child and younger child. I know this child. This child was so isolated in his hearing community and still are. I noticed how parent treated this child. They kept pushing him how to speak well, and do well. They want him to get 100 on his tests. He didn't have a break to relax on his own home. I felt so bad for him, because my parents had a rule that since I went speech therapists 3 times in a week and go school, my home should be my safe haven. My parents don't hover over me in every mistake I made in grammars. They encouraged me to talk and talk to express myself. That's why I felt so comfortable with my own skin and know how to interact with other hearing people. I know how to make other hearing people to relax around me despite my deafness.
Again, every child is different. You may disagree with my parents' philosophy but why I am in a graduate school of social work. How could I have so many hearing friends? How come everyone knows my name and I don't know their names? How come people telling me all their dark secrets? Why people are so awed of me? You have to thank to my parents for that! Without their philosophy how to raised me, I wouldn't be standing today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!
Update: my old friend who is becoming journalist told me that my writing is very good. I said to her, "The praise from a journalist said that my writing is very good despite my bad grammar that is very interesting" She said, "The writing is not about grammars, it is about fluidity and making valid points and backing them up" It made me feel good! Thank you my old friend!
PS You could disagree with her. Each person have a different opinion and you are allowed to make any comments....
While he parents me like every other hearing child, he also taught me how to deal other people who could pulled me down because of my deafness. Even though he is hearing, he may don't know how I am going through in daily as a deaf person but he could try to imagine it. He tried so hard to build my self-esteem so high which is rare among PWD (people with disabilities). You know something, it does work! He is the one who taught me how to be stubborn and strong to fight the daily struggles of being deaf. That's why my title of this blog called Stubborn and Strong. As I was growing up, everytime I cried to my father that I could NOT do this because it was so hard to deal with this situation. He said, "You are (insert my last name), and (my last name) is STUBBORN, therefore you are STUBBORN (my last name)" My first reaction was I smiled then pretended that I am so sick to hear more encouragements from my father. Truth is I love when my father do that because he doesn't see me a deaf child but his child who happened to be deaf. He didn't denied that I am deaf/hard of hearing but my feeling was just like everybody else. He always listened whatever I cried to him, he lets me to yelled at him, he beared with my crazy moods. He just let me to be myself. He lets me to grow.
Every parents have a different philosophy and every parents asked my advices for their child. Truth is I could only tell you what my parents did to me and I am happy with it. But every deaf child is different. Maybe what my parents did to me might be a bad advice for their child.
I had a one bad experience with a parent who have a deaf child. I was in late teens and her child was in early teens. Therefore I and this child are a one generation apart. Anybody who are familiar with technology, every 2 or 3 years technology and experiences of cochlear implant (audiologist and speech therapist who dealt with children with CI) kept improving.
Let me explain myself before what this parent told me:
Cochlear Implant was made by 1984. I got cochlear implant surgery when I was 3 years old (1989). I am number 13th patient of my hospital who done cochlear implant surgeries. However my first two operations was unsuccessful because my magnet inside my head kept coming out (yes, it was very gruesome). Finally my third operation, they found that I had staph infection so they cleaned up and done this time right. Therefore I didn't hear anything until I was four years old. My language development was very delayed because of that. My first therapist believed that I should lipread and listen at a same time. I used her until I was fourth grade, I went to a different therapist who believed that I shouldn't lipread but only listen. Because of her, I was able to talk on phone. Both of my speech therapists worked so hard to make my speech comprehensible so they could prove other parents who have deaf child(ren) that it is possible to sound like other hearing people. There was a small problem. They didn't help me how to write. I didn't learn how to write until I was high school. To make the situation worse, my school never taught kids how to write. (I heard from my classmates complaining about that). My speech is so much better than my writing and I don't know why my brain could not make link between them. I have a mental block to learn how to write properly.
Two days ago, I asked my father about my grammars on this blog. He says, "I am so proud of you because three years ago I couldn't even understand what you wrote but now I do understand" He tried to explain the rules of grammar of English. Unfortunately, I was starting to put a wall in front of me. My father saw that and told me that he didn't want to teach me if this teaching could not go through me. He explained "I don't like to teach you this because it sounds like I am belittle of you"
I thought of what my father says. My father never say bad things about me in front of me only good things because he knows my personality. If someone criticized me because of my deafness, I started to pull a wall in front of me and don't want to work on it. However if someone praised me, it made me work harder to achieved perfection. By praising me takes much longer than criticized me to get better results, but the journey toward the results by praising is so much healthy than criticized me. I was more happy, and more confident to deal with the world. (If you take psychology class 101, positive reinforcement is much better than punishment to get better result)
This mother compared me and her child. She said her child spoke better than me. I was mortified and hurt to hear it. Look I know myself, I know I don't speak perfectly but you can't compared older child and younger child. I know this child. This child was so isolated in his hearing community and still are. I noticed how parent treated this child. They kept pushing him how to speak well, and do well. They want him to get 100 on his tests. He didn't have a break to relax on his own home. I felt so bad for him, because my parents had a rule that since I went speech therapists 3 times in a week and go school, my home should be my safe haven. My parents don't hover over me in every mistake I made in grammars. They encouraged me to talk and talk to express myself. That's why I felt so comfortable with my own skin and know how to interact with other hearing people. I know how to make other hearing people to relax around me despite my deafness.
Again, every child is different. You may disagree with my parents' philosophy but why I am in a graduate school of social work. How could I have so many hearing friends? How come everyone knows my name and I don't know their names? How come people telling me all their dark secrets? Why people are so awed of me? You have to thank to my parents for that! Without their philosophy how to raised me, I wouldn't be standing today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!
Update: my old friend who is becoming journalist told me that my writing is very good. I said to her, "The praise from a journalist said that my writing is very good despite my bad grammar that is very interesting" She said, "The writing is not about grammars, it is about fluidity and making valid points and backing them up" It made me feel good! Thank you my old friend!
PS You could disagree with her. Each person have a different opinion and you are allowed to make any comments....
Pity is most dangrous word to use among people with disabilities (PWD)
I have Usher's Syndrome. That caused me deaf, blind and balance problems. Does it makes you dizzy? Does it made you feel pity on me?
STOP!
I am not interesting of your pity. Read my friend's post and comments to understand what happen if you started to pity on me and other people with disabilities. (I am Golden Hair Girl)
http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2009/11/dammit-im-going-to-be-deaf-and-blind.html
I am living in a very rich life because I didn't let my disabilities to pull me down. However pity could pull me down. For an example, a friend might say, "Oh I am so sorry to hear that you have Usher's Syndrome, you must have a very hard life." I might starting to think "Wow, my friend is pitying on me, maybe I should pity myself and won't do things that made me happy because my life is pathetic" But thank G-D, I don't think this way, I would respond a different way, "Don't feel bad for me, this is what happen to my life. I am wearing cochlear implants that helped me to hear, I am legal blind NOT completely blind. I could walk and run! I am not ANGRY at myself just ANGRY at people and society's pity" However if you continuing to pity on me, then I will starting to rack my brain to push my pity feeling away BY taking advantage of you!. It felt good. :devilish grin:
My friend's post is based society's feeling toward to me not individual. I know I will not able to change society's feeling toward to me therefore I take advantage of society's pity.
BEWARE!
STOP!
I am not interesting of your pity. Read my friend's post and comments to understand what happen if you started to pity on me and other people with disabilities. (I am Golden Hair Girl)
http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2009/11/dammit-im-going-to-be-deaf-and-blind.html
I am living in a very rich life because I didn't let my disabilities to pull me down. However pity could pull me down. For an example, a friend might say, "Oh I am so sorry to hear that you have Usher's Syndrome, you must have a very hard life." I might starting to think "Wow, my friend is pitying on me, maybe I should pity myself and won't do things that made me happy because my life is pathetic" But thank G-D, I don't think this way, I would respond a different way, "Don't feel bad for me, this is what happen to my life. I am wearing cochlear implants that helped me to hear, I am legal blind NOT completely blind. I could walk and run! I am not ANGRY at myself just ANGRY at people and society's pity" However if you continuing to pity on me, then I will starting to rack my brain to push my pity feeling away BY taking advantage of you!. It felt good. :devilish grin:
My friend's post is based society's feeling toward to me not individual. I know I will not able to change society's feeling toward to me therefore I take advantage of society's pity.
BEWARE!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Why did I choose to be in Hearing Community not in Deaf Community?
My hearing parents found out that I was deaf when I was one and half year old. They vowed that I should get best life despite my deafness. They thought if I could hear something, I will live better than being deaf. (They lived in hearing community, it made a logical sense to them that I should learn how to be oral communicate with other hearing people since there are no deaf people in our community).
That was my parents' opinion.
Now I am 24 years old. I have different philosophy from my parents.
Let me explain my past history before I give you my philosophy about CI.
I met people from Deaf community when I was in college. They are nicest and sweetest people I ever met. Their interaction between deaf people, there was no miscommunication unlike between deaf and hearing people. I was so jealous of them. All of my childhood life, I constantly need to prove people that I was not deaf and want to be treated like a hearing person. Sometimes I felt like that I worked so hard (by going to speech therapist in 3 times a week) to act like a hearing person. But hearing people didn't work hard to help me to be accept me as I did to them. I believed hearing people should appreciate me that I am trying to be like them. But as I was growing up, I realized that people just don't care because they only thinking for themselves.
(To hearing people, please don't pass any judgement when you saw a deaf person on the street and (s)he was not wearing cochlear implant because you don't understand why they are going through - only I and other CI (Cochlear Implant) people could do that. As I said in the first post, people who are in Deaf Culture just wanted to be accepted and love. CI doesn't help them to have better social life)
As you wondered, if hearing people had a hard time to accept me in their world, why I bothered to live in the hearing community?
The answer is
IT IS NOT ABOUT ME, IT IS ABOUT THEM.
Let me tell you two stories and compare it.
Story # 1
My hearing husband and I were in a car. We both realized that the car need a gas very badly. We went to a gas station off the highway. We both went out from the car and stand front of the machine. He put his credit card in it. In the background, we heard shouting that was sounded like "You can't do that!" but we thought it meant for somebody else because there was no one around us that talking to us. Suddenly the worker came to us and yelled at us, "I already told you that you can't do that". The worker cancelled our credit card and yelled us again that there was no self-service. My husband handled this situation very calmly and managed to talk her through so he could get the gas for our car.
Story # 2
I went to drug store alone. I went to get self-checkout. The machine says "Printer is open, please close it" Therefore I obeyed and did that. Suddenly I heard the worker yelled at me, "I already told you that you can't do that" I said, "I am very sorry, I didn't hear you because I am hard of hearing" The worker didn't care and gave me attitude.
Do you see how are these stories very similar? Only difference is I am hard of hearing and my husband is not.
When people are in bad mood, they will lashed out on anyone even hearing people. For granted, people with disabilities are more vulnerable than people without disabilities.
Let me tell another story.
I had the internship last year as a school social work intern. I worked with my supervisor and other two co-workers. My two co-workers and I all agreed that my supervisor was crazy and mean. However I got more bad treatments from my supervisor than other two co-workers. My supervisor made me cry a couple times in a year. I remembered in December that my co-workers were shocked how was my supervisor disgusting to me. Few months later, my co-workers started to complaining a big time about mistreatment from my supervisor to them. I told them, "I know and I already went through this" As you see my supervisor had a burnout and need to lash out on someone. For granted I have disabilities so I am more vulnerable than my other co-workers. But I learned from my internship that it is not my deafness that she had a problem with, it is HER.
After my internship, I started to noticed that when people are frustrated with me not because I could not understand them well enough. It was usually because they are already angry so they are lashing out on me.
You may wondered about my husband who is hearing, who might be frustrated with me if I don't understand him. That happens in many times! Yes, he get frustrated that I don't understand him however he didn't get frustrated that I don't understand him, he get frustrated that he is not making himself clear enough for me. That's one of reasons why I love him.
I have a lot of hearing friends and they are amazing people. They treated me like I am their equal. I don't need deaf community to feel accepted and love which I already have from my hearing community.
I am very grateful to my parents who gave me CI in the very early age or I wouldn't be standing today. My philosophy is CI didn't give me a better life comparing to deaf people without CI. I still have a sign on my forehead that I am deaf even though I hear a way better than deaf person or person who is hard of hearing (HOH). I still don't speak or write like hearing people. I heard that younger generation with CI are doing much better than my generation with CI which I am very happy about that. I met a young man with CI who is 18 years old who is genius and hear better than I am however he don't have hearing friends because he is 'deaf'. He joined to deaf community to feel loved and accepted. He was very isolated in his hearing community. CI doesn't help to have better social life with hearing people.
That is one of many important messages to hearing people that if you want deaf people to wear CI and continue to use CI then accept us and love us.
Thank G-d, I am accepted and loved by my hearing community so I don't need to move to deaf community for it. However I am communicate and learn from deaf community. Be careful, I am not saying if we accept and love deaf people then we could get rid of Deaf Culture. In my opinion, I want Deaf Culture to be alive and vibrant because it does help a lot of people like to build up their self-esteem like this young man. I am just very lucky that I know myself very well (that's why I want to be social worker!) and a greatest system from my hearing community that was rare among deaf people who is not in Deaf Culture. Therefore I know how to handle people and don't let them to bring me down.
That was my parents' opinion.
Now I am 24 years old. I have different philosophy from my parents.
Let me explain my past history before I give you my philosophy about CI.
I met people from Deaf community when I was in college. They are nicest and sweetest people I ever met. Their interaction between deaf people, there was no miscommunication unlike between deaf and hearing people. I was so jealous of them. All of my childhood life, I constantly need to prove people that I was not deaf and want to be treated like a hearing person. Sometimes I felt like that I worked so hard (by going to speech therapist in 3 times a week) to act like a hearing person. But hearing people didn't work hard to help me to be accept me as I did to them. I believed hearing people should appreciate me that I am trying to be like them. But as I was growing up, I realized that people just don't care because they only thinking for themselves.
(To hearing people, please don't pass any judgement when you saw a deaf person on the street and (s)he was not wearing cochlear implant because you don't understand why they are going through - only I and other CI (Cochlear Implant) people could do that. As I said in the first post, people who are in Deaf Culture just wanted to be accepted and love. CI doesn't help them to have better social life)
As you wondered, if hearing people had a hard time to accept me in their world, why I bothered to live in the hearing community?
The answer is
IT IS NOT ABOUT ME, IT IS ABOUT THEM.
Let me tell you two stories and compare it.
Story # 1
My hearing husband and I were in a car. We both realized that the car need a gas very badly. We went to a gas station off the highway. We both went out from the car and stand front of the machine. He put his credit card in it. In the background, we heard shouting that was sounded like "You can't do that!" but we thought it meant for somebody else because there was no one around us that talking to us. Suddenly the worker came to us and yelled at us, "I already told you that you can't do that". The worker cancelled our credit card and yelled us again that there was no self-service. My husband handled this situation very calmly and managed to talk her through so he could get the gas for our car.
Story # 2
I went to drug store alone. I went to get self-checkout. The machine says "Printer is open, please close it" Therefore I obeyed and did that. Suddenly I heard the worker yelled at me, "I already told you that you can't do that" I said, "I am very sorry, I didn't hear you because I am hard of hearing" The worker didn't care and gave me attitude.
Do you see how are these stories very similar? Only difference is I am hard of hearing and my husband is not.
When people are in bad mood, they will lashed out on anyone even hearing people. For granted, people with disabilities are more vulnerable than people without disabilities.
Let me tell another story.
I had the internship last year as a school social work intern. I worked with my supervisor and other two co-workers. My two co-workers and I all agreed that my supervisor was crazy and mean. However I got more bad treatments from my supervisor than other two co-workers. My supervisor made me cry a couple times in a year. I remembered in December that my co-workers were shocked how was my supervisor disgusting to me. Few months later, my co-workers started to complaining a big time about mistreatment from my supervisor to them. I told them, "I know and I already went through this" As you see my supervisor had a burnout and need to lash out on someone. For granted I have disabilities so I am more vulnerable than my other co-workers. But I learned from my internship that it is not my deafness that she had a problem with, it is HER.
After my internship, I started to noticed that when people are frustrated with me not because I could not understand them well enough. It was usually because they are already angry so they are lashing out on me.
You may wondered about my husband who is hearing, who might be frustrated with me if I don't understand him. That happens in many times! Yes, he get frustrated that I don't understand him however he didn't get frustrated that I don't understand him, he get frustrated that he is not making himself clear enough for me. That's one of reasons why I love him.
I have a lot of hearing friends and they are amazing people. They treated me like I am their equal. I don't need deaf community to feel accepted and love which I already have from my hearing community.
I am very grateful to my parents who gave me CI in the very early age or I wouldn't be standing today. My philosophy is CI didn't give me a better life comparing to deaf people without CI. I still have a sign on my forehead that I am deaf even though I hear a way better than deaf person or person who is hard of hearing (HOH). I still don't speak or write like hearing people. I heard that younger generation with CI are doing much better than my generation with CI which I am very happy about that. I met a young man with CI who is 18 years old who is genius and hear better than I am however he don't have hearing friends because he is 'deaf'. He joined to deaf community to feel loved and accepted. He was very isolated in his hearing community. CI doesn't help to have better social life with hearing people.
That is one of many important messages to hearing people that if you want deaf people to wear CI and continue to use CI then accept us and love us.
Thank G-d, I am accepted and loved by my hearing community so I don't need to move to deaf community for it. However I am communicate and learn from deaf community. Be careful, I am not saying if we accept and love deaf people then we could get rid of Deaf Culture. In my opinion, I want Deaf Culture to be alive and vibrant because it does help a lot of people like to build up their self-esteem like this young man. I am just very lucky that I know myself very well (that's why I want to be social worker!) and a greatest system from my hearing community that was rare among deaf people who is not in Deaf Culture. Therefore I know how to handle people and don't let them to bring me down.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Communication between Deaf and Hearing Community
There are so many miscommunication between Deaf and Hearing Community. There are many debates out there that causes anger, disbelief and confusion.
I would like to be mediator between Deaf and Hearing Community because I am wearing bi-cochlear implants and grew up in Hearing Community. I considered myself spilt between Hearing Community and Deaf Community and would like to have benefit between both of these communities.
Right now I am learning American Sign Language, will volunteer at program in apartments for deaf residents and will work public school for Deaf in this fall therefore I am learning new things about Deaf Culture everyday.
I have a huge admiration for Deaf Culture and made me wish (sometimes) that I should grew up from Deaf Culture.
I love Hearing Community and still want to continue to live in that community even though some people don't treat me well because I am 'deaf'.
To people who are deaf (whether they live in Deaf Culture or not), if you can wear cochlear implant, please do it. Don't do it because it made other people happy, do it for yourself because it is great survival tools for you. If you are doing for other people, you are doomed because they don't care that much and will never understand what you are going through. You will be treated as deaf even though you wore cochlear implants.
To people who are hearing, if you want deaf people to wear cochlear implant then ACCEPT US. People who are in Deaf Culture because of the bad history. In olden days, before cochler implants was made hearing people tried to make deaf people are just like hearing people like made them to talk and punish them if they use ASL (or any other sign languages). Therefore deaf people were very angry at hearing people because they would like to focus something else beside to act like hearing people. Deaf people created Deaf Culture because they wanted to be accepted and be loved despite their deafness.
Thank G-d, I grew up with a greatest support system. Everybody accepted me who I am despite my deafness. They recognized that I am deaf or hard of hearing, tried to make my life easier and didn't try to make me to be like them but trying to make me to try to be best as I can.
But I heard many bad stories of people who wore any devices that helped them to hear. I do have some bad stories but I didn't let them to affect me.
This is my first post and will keep posting my thoughts about deaf and hearing people. I have so many things to say but this is most basic information that I could start and build on it. If you have any questions that confused you about deaf people and hearing people, I will love to answer your questions. Please keep open minded when you read my posts. REMEMBER THIS DOESN'T APPLY TO EVERYONE. This post just make conversation to keep flowing.
I would like to be mediator between Deaf and Hearing Community because I am wearing bi-cochlear implants and grew up in Hearing Community. I considered myself spilt between Hearing Community and Deaf Community and would like to have benefit between both of these communities.
Right now I am learning American Sign Language, will volunteer at program in apartments for deaf residents and will work public school for Deaf in this fall therefore I am learning new things about Deaf Culture everyday.
I have a huge admiration for Deaf Culture and made me wish (sometimes) that I should grew up from Deaf Culture.
I love Hearing Community and still want to continue to live in that community even though some people don't treat me well because I am 'deaf'.
To people who are deaf (whether they live in Deaf Culture or not), if you can wear cochlear implant, please do it. Don't do it because it made other people happy, do it for yourself because it is great survival tools for you. If you are doing for other people, you are doomed because they don't care that much and will never understand what you are going through. You will be treated as deaf even though you wore cochlear implants.
To people who are hearing, if you want deaf people to wear cochlear implant then ACCEPT US. People who are in Deaf Culture because of the bad history. In olden days, before cochler implants was made hearing people tried to make deaf people are just like hearing people like made them to talk and punish them if they use ASL (or any other sign languages). Therefore deaf people were very angry at hearing people because they would like to focus something else beside to act like hearing people. Deaf people created Deaf Culture because they wanted to be accepted and be loved despite their deafness.
Thank G-d, I grew up with a greatest support system. Everybody accepted me who I am despite my deafness. They recognized that I am deaf or hard of hearing, tried to make my life easier and didn't try to make me to be like them but trying to make me to try to be best as I can.
But I heard many bad stories of people who wore any devices that helped them to hear. I do have some bad stories but I didn't let them to affect me.
This is my first post and will keep posting my thoughts about deaf and hearing people. I have so many things to say but this is most basic information that I could start and build on it. If you have any questions that confused you about deaf people and hearing people, I will love to answer your questions. Please keep open minded when you read my posts. REMEMBER THIS DOESN'T APPLY TO EVERYONE. This post just make conversation to keep flowing.
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