Advices for Parents of Deaf Child(ren)

Today is my dearest father's birthday. He raised me for beautiful 24 years. I always wondered how the world he was able to raise me. I was not a easy child to deal with. I am not talking about how did he made me a good person. Without question about it, he did teach me values and how to treat other person with lots of kindness. I meant how he raised me as a deaf child. I wished no parents have to raise a deaf child(ren).

While he parents me like every other hearing child, he also taught me how to deal other people who could pulled me down because of my deafness. Even though he is hearing, he may don't know how I am going through in daily as a deaf person but he could try to imagine it. He tried so hard to build my self-esteem so high which is rare among PWD (people with disabilities). You know something, it does work! He is the one who taught me how to be stubborn and strong to fight the daily struggles of being deaf. That's why my title of this blog called Stubborn and Strong. As I was growing up, everytime I cried to my father that I could NOT do this because it was so hard to deal with this situation. He said, "You are (insert my last name), and (my last name) is STUBBORN, therefore you are STUBBORN (my last name)" My first reaction was I smiled then pretended that I am so sick to hear more encouragements from my father. Truth is I love when my father do that because he doesn't see me a deaf child but his child who happened to be deaf. He didn't denied that I am deaf/hard of hearing but my feeling was just like everybody else. He always listened whatever I cried to him, he lets me to yelled at him, he beared with my crazy moods. He just let me to be myself. He lets me to grow.

Every parents have a different philosophy and every parents asked my advices for their child. Truth is I could only tell you what my parents did to me and I am happy with it. But every deaf child is different. Maybe what my parents did to me might be a bad advice for their child.

I had a one bad experience with a parent who have a deaf child. I was in late teens and her child was in early teens. Therefore I and this child are a one generation apart. Anybody who are familiar with technology, every 2 or 3 years technology and experiences of cochlear implant (audiologist and speech therapist who dealt with children with CI) kept improving.

Let me explain myself before what this parent told me:

Cochlear Implant was made by 1984. I got cochlear implant surgery when I was 3 years old (1989). I am number 13th patient of my hospital who done cochlear implant surgeries. However my first two operations was unsuccessful because my magnet inside my head kept coming out (yes, it was very gruesome). Finally my third operation, they found that I had staph infection so they cleaned up and done this time right. Therefore I didn't hear anything until I was four years old. My language development was very delayed because of that. My first therapist believed that I should lipread and listen at a same time. I used her until I was fourth grade, I went to a different therapist who believed that I shouldn't lipread but only listen. Because of her, I was able to talk on phone. Both of my speech therapists worked so hard to make my speech comprehensible so they could prove other parents who have deaf child(ren) that it is possible to sound like other hearing people. There was a small problem. They didn't help me how to write. I didn't learn how to write until I was high school. To make the situation worse, my school never taught kids how to write. (I heard from my classmates complaining about that). My speech is so much better than my writing and I don't know why my brain could not make link between them. I have a mental block to learn how to write properly.

Two days ago, I asked my father about my grammars on this blog. He says, "I am so proud of you because three years ago I couldn't even understand what you wrote but now I do understand" He tried to explain the rules of grammar of English. Unfortunately, I was starting to put a wall in front of me. My father saw that and told me that he didn't want to teach me if this teaching could not go through me. He explained "I don't like to teach you this because it sounds like I am belittle of you"

I thought of what my father says. My father never say bad things about me in front of me only good things because he knows my personality. If someone criticized me because of my deafness, I started to pull a wall in front of me and don't want to work on it. However if someone praised me, it made me work harder to achieved perfection. By praising me takes much longer than criticized me to get better results, but the journey toward the results by praising is so much healthy than criticized me. I was more happy, and more confident to deal with the world. (If you take psychology class 101, positive reinforcement is much better than punishment to get better result)

This mother compared me and her child. She said her child spoke better than me. I was mortified and hurt to hear it. Look I know myself, I know I don't speak perfectly but you can't compared older child and younger child. I know this child. This child was so isolated in his hearing community and still are. I noticed how parent treated this child. They kept pushing him how to speak well, and do well. They want him to get 100 on his tests. He didn't have a break to relax on his own home. I felt so bad for him, because my parents had a rule that since I went speech therapists 3 times in a week and go school, my home should be my safe haven. My parents don't hover over me in every mistake I made in grammars. They encouraged me to talk and talk to express myself. That's why I felt so comfortable with my own skin and know how to interact with other hearing people. I know how to make other hearing people to relax around me despite my deafness.

Again, every child is different. You may disagree with my parents' philosophy but why I am in a graduate school of social work. How could I have so many hearing friends? How come everyone knows my name and I don't know their names? How come people telling me all their dark secrets? Why people are so awed of me? You have to thank to my parents for that! Without their philosophy how to raised me, I wouldn't be standing today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

Update: my old friend who is becoming journalist told me that my writing is very good. I said to her, "The praise from a journalist said that my writing is very good despite my bad grammar that is very interesting" She said, "The writing is not about grammars, it is about fluidity and making valid points and backing them up" It made me feel good! Thank you my old friend!


PS You could disagree with her. Each person have a different opinion and you are allowed to make any comments....

Pity is most dangrous word to use among people with disabilities (PWD)

I have Usher's Syndrome. That caused me deaf, blind and balance problems. Does it makes you dizzy? Does it made you feel pity on me?

STOP!

I am not interesting of your pity. Read my friend's post and comments to understand what happen if you started to pity on me and other people with disabilities. (I am Golden Hair Girl)

http://curiousjew.blogspot.com/2009/11/dammit-im-going-to-be-deaf-and-blind.html

I am living in a very rich life because I didn't let my disabilities to pull me down. However pity could pull me down. For an example, a friend might say, "Oh I am so sorry to hear that you have Usher's Syndrome, you must have a very hard life." I might starting to think "Wow, my friend is pitying on me, maybe I should pity myself and won't do things that made me happy because my life is pathetic" But thank G-D, I don't think this way, I would respond a different way, "Don't feel bad for me, this is what happen to my life. I am wearing cochlear implants that helped me to hear, I am legal blind NOT completely blind. I could walk and run! I am not ANGRY at myself just ANGRY at people and society's pity" However if you continuing to pity on me, then I will starting to rack my brain to push my pity feeling away BY taking advantage of you!. It felt good. :devilish grin:

My friend's post is based society's feeling toward to me not individual. I know I will not able to change society's feeling toward to me therefore I take advantage of society's pity.

BEWARE!