You can't judge other people unless you are in their shoes

Everybody think they are special because they have experiences that most people don't have that makes them stand out from everyone.

Can you say that I am special because I have experiences in my life that makes me different from you?

I have news for you. It is not true. My philosophy is G-d don't give you problems if you can't handle it. I KNOW you guys can't handle my problem because G-d choose me to handle this kind of problem. He KNOW I can handle this.

(Let me say a very bold statement, if you have a problem and you can't handle it i.e. by making suicide, then it is your fault not G-d.)

Therefore I can't handle your problem. We are not so different as you like to think so.

People likes to make analogy/moral stories to teach other people. Even other people's problem is so different from us, but we could learn from them by apply their methods on our problems.

Watch this video: http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=139007432797147&ref=mf

Most of us don't run like he do, but we could learn from him.....

I got two comments from 'hearing' people that they agreed with me that my stories are not only for deaf people but they could learn from me or other deaf people to apply to your problem. Read these comments:

tzvista said...
Thank you for very insightful comments. We in the "hearing" community have a lot to learn from you in order to be more sensitive. You are correct in a broader sense too. Most people regardless of the "community" they are in, tend to hurt others due to their own issues and struggles, and not because of the other persons faults and flaws. We would all do well to understand that.

Tzafra said...
I am B"H completely hearing. Group dynamics take learning for a lot of people. Especially in new places or new groups, I know I've had many times where I had to analyze and consciously learn the group dynamic instead of effortlessly picking it up.

Now little new twist on this post: You are going to learn how not to judge other people. I will make a small analogy before I will introduce a young man.


All of you didn't make allyah (move to Israel for religious reasons) , why didn't you make allyah? Is it because your family was near you? Your friends? Too comfortable? Language barrier? More money? Better medical attention? Better food? (I am not talking about physical problem that you really CAN'T move to Israel)

Look, don't worry I didn't make allyah too! I am too comfortable here....

Let us meet this special young man who happened to be my college mentor. He guided me through my college years and after that. I was always be grateful to him in rest of my life.

He is 25 years old. He is in graduate school for materials and science (whatever that means). Basically he wants to be engineer. In my opinion he is genius. He could talks in science terms that nobody understand him except other science people. Yes you could say he is nerd but he is damn proud of it. Also I am very proud of him what he already accomplished and his future goals.

Why am I proud of him?

He is deaf.

He didn't let his deafness to block of what he could accomplish in his life.

He had a bad childhood that people makes fun of him and he tried to communicate with certain kinds of deaf community but sadly they knocked him out because he is oral (meaning he speaks). Now he is in a graduate program that makes other hearing people in shame. He could prove to people that deafness didn't stop him to achieve what he wants from his life.

His deafness is very different than mine. He was born with very little hearing in his ears. They thought he was autistic when he was a kid but his parents refused to believed that. (That's happen to me, thank to my mom's stubbornness to find out what's wrong with me) They finally found out that he had a bad hearing loss. Now he is wearing hearing aids. (Remember there is a difference between cochlear implant and hearing aids, hearing aids amplify sounds whatever you have left in your ears. Cochlear Implant don't do that so usually people with profound deafness would go for CI) But here is little shocking part: He could get cochlear implant but choose not to get it. STOP! Don't make an opinion yet. First you have to read my personal interview with him.

me: Now you are wearing hearing aids, but you could have cochlear implant correct?
A: right
me: How come you won't do it?
A: I feel that hearing aid technology continually improves and while cochlear implants do as well. You're stuck with the technology that you have surgically installed inside you and there are always better things coming out. I'm not comfortable having something surgically installed and then realize that a few years later I could have had something better.
me: Do you consider yourself as deaf?
A: I tell everyone I'm deaf, its simple, easier to say than "hard of hearing" or "hearing impaired" but not capital D deaf. I was raised oral and i have an oral family. None of whom are deaf or hard of hearing. I try not to be so formal about how i consider myself. I just have a hearing loss. That's something I share with everyone else who has one, Deaf or not.
me: You may heard many arguments that you should have cochlear implants now because it is a good start to hear something since you don't hear well now.... How you would respond to that?
A: I would say if my parents wanted me to have a cochlear implant, they would have gotten me one and i trust their reasoning not to. I know that its my decision
me: What is their reason? oh because they want you to have your own decision
A: Maybe but to me it doesn't really matter but knowing the technology that's out and how much potential it can have. I would consider giving my deaf child a cochlear implant but only "consider" not definitely do it. Its good to keep options open.
me: Are you uncomfortable to discuss that with your parents? Like why they didn't give you cochlear implants?
A: Well mainly because they didn't know about it. When they found out they probably thought I was too old for it. I never really discussed it with them but I have no regrets so I really don't feel the need to.
me: Is it possible that maybe you are too comfortable with your lifestyle that delayed your getting cochlear implant?
A: yeah I would say that. I'm not saying change is a bad thing. But there's the old saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" and I feel like I'm doing just fine with my hearing aids. Would a CI be better, I don't doubt it, but its very difficult to adjust to.
me: What kind of moment that you are looking for that you know that you will get cochlear implant in that spot?
A: I honestly don't know. I've seen people who have it and say its awesome and it makes a huge difference but I'm not completely blown away by it.
me: How come?
A: Because its still imperfect especially for something that has to be surgically installed. Don't get me wrong the technology is amazing and its helped a lot of people. But as an engineer I know that the technology is improving rapidly
me: You say cochlear implant would make you hear better but still imperfect. Therefore you are saying cochlear implant is not good survival tools? your hearing device is good enough?
A: I'm saying you'd have a much better chance of surviving on the road with a CI than without one so no my hearing device is never good enough either. But what choice do I have, really I do need it to be alert
but if I had to choose something imperfect that was or wasn't surgically installed, I'd choose the one that isn't surgically installed
me: Do you realize it is not that dangerous?
A: What is the surgery?
me: yes
Ari: of course its not the surgery itself I have the problem with. Its the fact that its stuck in your body
I'm not comfortable with that
me: I know someone have cochlear implant for 20 years and suddenly it shuts down so she had a new cochlear implant from nucleus 22 to 24. Your cochlear implant won't be stuck forever. You always could get better cochlear implant only if you have a problem with it.
A: True, but there's still something in there that doesn't feel natural.
me: okay
A: I'm sure you'd have to go through the surgery all over again. Keep in mind there's always an inherent risk in surgery. The more you have it the higher the risk.
me: Is any message do you like to give to audience?
A: Simply that you have a choice. Make it wisely and don't rely on other people's opinions. This is your body, and your life, you decide what's best for you. The CI is an amazing piece of technology and I would recommend it to anyone who considers it, but don't let other people tell you what to do.
me: But there is a small problem in your philosophy.
A: Oh? what is it?
me: You are scared to do it even though you know CI would help you. People will not happy when you said it.
A: Oh well
me: Are you okay with that?
A: hmm It does make me a bit uncomfortable but well... its a good point that I'm scared to do it but I don't want to feel ashamed either that's worse than being scared.
me: People might say that you are coward. how you would respond to it?
A: I would say that they have no right to judge me, really, because I don't judge you for the choices you make.

(End of interview)

BINGO! His last sentence was perfect for this blog. We can't always judge people but we could try to understand what people make certain decision in their lives. You remember the analogy about allayah? Moving to Israel = getting new cochlear implant...... Very painful.

You can't compare between me and him. He was one year older than me. Cochlear Implant was made by 1984. It wasn't very well known to deaf people until early 1990's like him. His parents found out when he was seven years old so that's why they thought he was too old for it. (That time, hardly older people did cochlear implant surgeries, but now plenty older people did it...). I was lucky because when my parents find out that I was deaf, my neighbor was an audiologist and heard about cochlear implant. She told my parents about it. My parents acted very quickly because I was 2 years old that time. Therefore I didn't have a choice to have cochlear implant or not.

I can't judge him because I didn't go through his situation. I can't honestly to say to him that you have to get cochlear implant soon as possible because it is very scary to do that! Like what I say about allayah, I would be terrified but thank G-d I was too young to understand what was going on around me when I went through the cochlear implant surgery.

What do we learn about this blog?

Nobody is different but yet very different but we are allowed to learn and try to understand other people to make improvement in our lives. We can't judge other people unless you are in his/her shoes.